It was not a conscious decision. It just happened over 30 years of marriage. I found that the entire focus of my life was on keeping the peace. It was impossible.
Trying to keep the peace and make my husband happy, I became an empty shell. In desperation I chose to begin seeking a closer relationship with my heavenly Father. The only way I could have time to myself for prayer and bible study was to get up an hour earlier at 4:00 a.m. It was my only time. From 5:00 in the morning until 10:00 at night I was solidly tied to family obligations and trying to keep my husband “happy.” The more I studied and prayed, the more times I got up early, the worse the relationship became.
I have always believed that marriage is forever. Divorce was not an option. My husband and I were leaders in the local Seventh-day Adventist church and I did not want to be a “divorcée.” It felt like a total failure of my entire life and my principles to even consider the possibility of divorce.
| The desire to please a husband, to "keep the peace" in the home can divert the attention and devotion away from the Creator if the husband is not completely committed to Yahuwah. |
After a year of counseling with two SDA ministers, we finally began appointments with a psychologist. After seven months of meeting with us together, he asked to meet with me alone. When the greetings were over he said, “You are headed for divorce and there is nothing you can do about it.” Those were words I did not want to hear.
Seven more months of great conflict went by. I fasted and prayed; I agonized; I refused to give up. It is deeply engrained in every woman to keep her husband happy, to keep peace in the home. Because of this, many women can excuse away the problems in their own marriages by averring, "Well, it's not that bad in my marriage. My husband doesn't do . . . [fill in the blank] . . . so therefore there is still hope for me. I won't have to divorce."
The danger is that our desire to be married, our desire to please our husbands and keep them happy can, in a husband that is not committed to Yahuwah, be used to divert our attention from our Saviour. One morning in my study I read a statement that had a profound impact on me.
By what means . . . shall we determine whose side we are on? Who has the heart? With whom are our thoughts? Of whom do we love to converse? Who has our warmest affections and our best energies? If we are Christ's, our thoughts are with Him, and our sweetest thoughts are of Him. All we have and are is consecrated to Him. We long to bear His image, breathe His spirit, do His will, and please Him in all things. (Steps to Christ, p. 58)
The conviction of truth cut through my blindness. I realized that my "best energies" were being spent on trying to keep my husband from becoming angry. Despite my early morning study time, my every thought was consumed with how to "keep the peace" in our home.
| Freedom of religion means that you can make Yahuwah first, not your spouse. Loyalty to Yahuwah requires that you make Him first in all things, including your marriage. |
After one particularly “bad” Sabbath, I left and stayed the night in town. On the way home the next morning, I was crying and praying as I drove back to I knew not what. In His great mercy, the Father spoke to my mind and said words that I instantly knew were from Him. It was not an audible voice, but it was as clear as if it were. The voice used words that I would not in thinking to myself and revealed that I needed to leave my husband and our home. I hurried to obey, and in two days I moved out.
That was twenty years ago. It was not easy to enter the work force in my fifties. But step by step the leadership of my Heavenly Father has provided for my needs and even many wants. I have no words to adequately express my gratitude for my singleness. I am so completely content to serve the Kingdom of Heaven as any way of service becomes available. Sometimes I feel alone, but it is so much better than conflict. Following the truth of the lunar Sabbath would not have been possible while being married.
I have many, many friends among lunar Sabbath keepers that are so precious. I have not met most of them in person, but over the internet we have become acquainted and we look forward to heaven to continue our friendships. Time is very short and anything we can do to share the truth of the lunar Sabbath with others will count for eternity.
Divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to you. Losing your hope of eternal life to stay attached to your opinion of yourself as a married person, that is the worst. Yes, the cost of the Pearl of Great Price is high, but it is cheap ENOUGH so that each person can pay it.