I will not let Yahuwah and Yahushua go.

I was born in Michigan, a land surrounded by the great freshwater lakes of North America, a land of rivers and creeks, a land of forests, farms, and apple orchards. A land of people and wildlife, a land of ages old religion, and traditions and pride. I was a boy who loved the created world and early heard the voice of our Creator in the soft whispers of the forest I played in, saw His love in how He created and cared for all life, and I saw His love in Sunday School at Church as we studied the Ten Commandments. I saw in those Laws love and fairness beyond anything I experienced. I saw how little we as humans followed in His ways, and it pained me in my heart. I grew up trying to fit in, trying to be athletic like the other boys and was not; trying to be “tough” like them, but I simply did not fit in. I kept rules like they were carved in stone, even to my embarrassment. Things that other boys and girls understood and took for granted seemed odd to me, and things that made sense to me made them laugh when I shared them. I took up playing an instrument in band, music calmed me and gave me something I needed, helped me feel I belonged.

As a Junior in Highschool I met a Freshman girl during late summer marching band practice one night, the most beautiful girl I had ever imagined, gentle and kind, who accepted me for who I was, and that was a special kindness to me I will never forget. Even I as a boy with mixed up social abilities I could feel the attraction between us. I fell in love and loved her more than life itself, and she intimated to me that she loved me as well. No relationship is perfect, and we had our difficulties, yet in love we would make up and kept coming back together.

I misunderstood things she said, I misinterpreted her social interactions with others, and especially other boys, and read into situations betrayals that did not exist. My perception of reality being different than everyone also led me to act and react to things incorrectly and selfishly, to violently lash out, and then justify my actions to others by “bluffing” my way through the accusations against me when others called me to take responsibility for my actions. I did not understand their complaints against me however. I had not received the medical examinations to discover why I had such difficulty interacting socially and communicating with others, and it this lack of knowledge was becoming problematic.

Looking back now I know, both in my heart and from our Father Himself, that it was He that introduced us to each other and that it was His will we meet. His Spirit convicted my heart to love her, to be gentle and kind, to confess my guilt to her and put her first. The confusion and fears in my mind and heart were overwhelming for me however, and just when I should have reached for our Father and His Son as my guides in life, I listened to other ideas in my head, other “voices” not from our Father; Voices that told me I was a reject, a failure, that I wasn’t worthy of a girl like my beloved, that I was hurting her and my pain and hers would not end until I made drastic changes to whom I was a person. I had been studying positive mental thinking techniques that I was hoping would help me “fix” some of my problems inside of me, but the voices encouraged me to alter these techniques and use them slightly differently. As I began and made the choice to do this to myself, I remember now the still small voice in my heart … “No Gary, Don’t!”

Like a stubborn young man convinced he could not make things worse than what they were, I drove on in and trusted in myself instead of our Father. My perception of reality became even more distorted, and I began to fall spiritually away from our Father and my Savior, His Son, yet as if I had no will of my own I continued this horrible path. I was leaving the shadow of Their wings and I did not even realize it, and I feel under the curse of the covenant in a very real sense as I opened myself up to every attack the devil could throw at me. I became the devil’s prey and so too, through me, did my beloved. My love for my girlfriend began to fade and I became a monster towards her; I ridiculed and rejected her, like a young wife that had been rejected and given a writ of divorce without good cause. She had done nothing wrong to the best of my knowledge, yet she had become my victim, she who I had loved more that life itself. Any time after that when I tried to think about her I became almost ill, I could not remember her without extreme pain and uneasiness, without what some refer to as “cognitive dissonance”. I stopped by and saw her a couple of times after we graduated high school, but my attempts to reestablish our relationship failed by my own mistakes and by my own lack of honor and good character traits, but at the time I could not see the decay inside of me, I could not see the damage I had done to myself. I met another woman, who had been married previously and had children, and we married and started a family together. With this woman too did I commit abuse and had almost no conscious awareness of the hurt I was causing at the time. I was out of control and every else knew it except for me. I remained a monster.

Years went by and I retired due to medical reasons. In late 2015 I began to search for our Father and His Son again, and I found them again and They accepted me back when I sought them with my whole heart. My wife and I learned of the true seventh day sabbath, the one calculated by the moon and the sun together as it was done in the beginning. We learned the Trinity doctrine was a lie and unbiblical, we learned much true history not taught to us, we learned of the true names of Yahuwah and Yahushua. I felt called to understand that we men have been failing our families in that as woman are the mothers and nurturers, we men are the priests of our families and not just the providers. I was led by our Father’s Spirit to act as our priest on Day of Atonement in 2016, and I was convicted in my heart to pray for the girl I had loved in my youth. I immediately noticed how much easier it was for me to remember and think about her, and I prayed for her every day as our Father asked. I began to realize she had been much more than a girlfriend to me, that my love for her had not died and I mourned the loss of our relationship. My love for her returned as if it was still 1979, and I was filled with regret for how I had sinned against her, and I brought my sins before Yahuwah. While in my grief our Father gave me a choice of to keep my love for her or give it up, like people are taught to do where I live, and after meditating on our Father and His love for us all I chose to keep my love for her and commit myself to pray for her every day. Yahuwah’s Spirit convicted me that she had been much more than just a girlfriend to me, she had been my Mate in a very real and heartfelt sense, due to our emotional bond. Yahuwah asked me to commit to praying for her forever. He also convicted me that because I had treated treacherously I had forfeited any opportunity in this life to be her boyfriend or husband again.

It took many months for me to accept the reality of it, that Deuteronomy 24:1-4 was valid in our case. She didn’t do anything wrong, I had. My claim against her was without merit. Since the Ten Commandment Law still is binding and valid, so too is Statute Law still binding and valid, even today, for the Law of Yahuwah is a portrait of His character, and He does not change, so too neither does His Law. In my grief Yahuwah gave me a promise, to comfort me and help me; He will re-introduce my first wife and I in heaven and encourage us reestablish our relationship, after Yahuwah’s and Yahushua’s healing is complete in both of us. Not by divine edict, but by love is this promise given and both of us have free will choice in this, but He hopes we both say yes, for Yahuwah champions the cause of the first spouse always, the first marriage always. Hope is not lost, no matter how much pain and hurt she still carries, no matter how injured I still am. A wonderful loving promise from a Creator that has always loved us even when we walk away from Him.

What the cause of my cognitive dissonance? Our Father revealed that the modified “positive mental thinking” techniques the devil encouraged me to use were in fact an amateur version of the spiritual formation techniques Jesuits utilize and that is used in Monarch Mind control. The devil had led me to open myself up to becoming “a man of the Gadarenes”. Yahuwah healed me in even this. The symptoms I suffered are gone and I am now Yahuwah’s. I confess and repent with my whole heart the pain I caused so many while under their influence.

Yahuwah also blessed me in my health; I have a diagnosis now … I am developmentally disabled (since early childhood) with Autism Spectrum Disorder, specifically Asperger’s syndrome. My fits of anger I now see were meltdowns, my inabilities in communication and social interactions as normal symptoms of these malady. No one at the time could have known this was the case as knowledge of this disability has only recently been researched and published since the time I was a youth. My symptoms are diminishing as I receive healing from Yahuwah and Yahushua, and with the therapy and treatment They brought about. I have the gift of a new life, physical as well as spiritual, I am leaving retirement behind, and am now going to college to become a Nurse. Someday I can show Yahuwah’s love through the care I give my brothers and sisters who are the patients under my care, and I can rejoice that my life, that had been a wilderness of burning nettles and thorns, now becomes a healing balm for others.

I praise Yahuwah and Yahushua for saving my life and ask They bless my wife and our children to whom I remain committed and love, and especially bless my first wife and her children and family, she whom I loved and still do, and for whom I pray for every day and look forward to seeing again someday in heaven above.

Our Father has taught me His love for us all, and His love for each one of us as individuals, how deep that love goes and what He is willing to do for each of us. He has brought to my mind and heart truths out of His word that we as Christians have explained away or been too unbelieving to see or trust in, truths that He has comforted me with greatly, truths of love. My testimony in a few words is this:

Yahuwah IS love.

Yahuwah Saves.